


I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back

by nerdbeyondlimits



Series: The tale of Keith and Lance [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Emotional Hurt, Homesickness, Hurt/Comfort, IN SPACE!, Keith is good at giving pep talks, Lance (Voltron) Needs a Hug, Light Angst, M/M, WHO COULD HAVE KNOWN, but y'know, i can't be bothered, it's one in the morning and my laptop is on 12 percent, probably a bit OOC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-07 23:46:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15230703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdbeyondlimits/pseuds/nerdbeyondlimits
Summary: Lance is having trouble concentrating during training, when all he can think about is his family back at earth as it's christmas eve. Keith decides something has to be done.*Space christmas ensues*(You don't have to read "This is not living" to understand this, but I reference to it a bit, so it might be easier)





	I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back

**Author's Note:**

> I'm posting this at one in the morning and my computer is going to die in like ten minutes so please don't judge me too hard on these tags and stuff.  
> (title from Man In Black by Johnny Cash)

It was easy to think that war was all about the big fights and infiltration missions, living in the moment, every day filled with adrenaline. And from time to time, that was a pretty accurate description of the life of the paladins. But there were also long periods that completely lacked such intenseness.

Now, initially most paladins looked forward to these days, seeming that they held a well-needed pause for everyone. And there was indeed more time to relax than during their clashes with Zarkon and his soldiers.

But Allura was hell-bent on not wasting any time, and usually there was at least one training session per day. They could involve anything from mind-melding to flying solo with their lions, but you could always count on them being just as straining as a real battle.

 

Today, the focus was learning to cover each others backs and working as a smooth team even when they were not forming Voltron. Things like alternating taking hits and doing sneak attacks on thir enemies' ships.

Coran had developed shuttles with stun-cannons, a replacement of the galras' ion-versions, which were much too dangerous to use in training. The stun-cannons gave the target a light shock, that made the person in command dizzy and a bit sore, but nothing worse.

These shuttles were released into space, and programmed to roam a certain area close to the castle. They attacked whenever they sensed a lion moving in the close perimeter. It allowed them to train on a much more developed and complicated level, simulating a real battle, much like the gladiators on the training deck.

 

Shiro was repeating all of these facts as well as going through today's strategy in the kitchen as they all ate their breakfast. In Lance's defence, he tried to listen, he really did. But his mind kept slipping, and with good reason.

He had kept a day-count ever since they first came to the castle, and as of today, it was the twenty-fourth of December, also known as Christmas Eve. He doubted any of the others even knew. It was hard even keeping track of the weekdays in space, with nothing to mark them out. But Lance couldn't stop thinking about it. He carried around a fair amount of homesickness on a daily basis, but he was at least able to shut off his thoughts concerning earth when needed.

Today, it was rather impossible.

He kept imagining his family in front of him, gathered in the dining room. His siblings would sit on the carpet as the older ones took place on the many couches. They would eat breakfast together - consisting of pancakes. Each member of the family contributed with a topping of their own. Lance always chose chocolate chips. He sadly wondered if anyone else had brought them instead.

The thought almost brought tears to his eyes, and he had to shake his head to clear it. Nothing would come of pitying himself.

The clap of Shiro's hands brought him back into reality, and he just had time to stand up from the table in sync with the rest of the team.

“Well, then. Shall we get started?” Coran asked, already heading for the bridge, where he and Shiro supervised and gave commands. Lance used to think of them like the coaches of a football team, shouting directions to the players. Since Keith had returned to castle, he and Shiro took turns piloting the black lion as both of them had access to it. No one wanted to mention that while Shiro's control over Black was patchy at best, Keith handled her as easily as red.

As he changed into his armour and hurried to his hangar, he couldn't help but to have a bad feeling about this session. Out in the lions, they couldn't afford to be distracted, no matter if it was training. You could still get hurt if you weren't paying attention. And if Lance was anything today, it was distracted.

 

* * *

 

He was right, of course. If someone was distracted, something was going to go wrong.

_Not just something,_ he thought bitterly to himself as Keith swore loudly for the fifth time in as many minutes through the comms.  _Everything._

“ _Lance,_ you're supposed to cover me. Where are you? I can't take on all of these shuttles on myself, I keep getting hit!” He swallowed tightly and braced himself. 

“Sorry, I just... Sorry. It won't happen again.” 

“Better not” Keith grumbled, but Lance could tell he wasn't as annoyed at him as he was at the shuttles that kept shocking him. Their “rivalry” had lost its bite the longer they were in space together, and had practically ceased to exist after Lance brought Keith home from the Blades. They were on much friendlier ground since then. 

Shiro didn't sound so friendly, though. 

“Keith is right, Lance. You need to focus.” Lance could practically see his scowling face in front of him on the bridge. 

“All right, I said I would.” He didn't mean to snap, especially not at Shiro, but he was angry – more at himself than at them, but still. It felt good to let some of it out. 

“Good”, Shiro answered sternly, and Lance sighed mentally. He was letting down his team in all kinds of ways today. Shaking his head once again, he returned to the fight with new vigour. 

And for awhile it worked. The five lions timed their attacks to each other and no one got hit for some time. They had taken down quite a few of the shuttles in the last fifteen minutes, and Lance was starting to get into his fight-mode, finally. And then the image of his empty seat by their dining table back home hit him like a truck, and he mentally stumbled. 

In the time it took him to regain his balance again, the two shuttles he was supposed to handle fired their blasts towards the red lion again. He could hear Keith groan and pant to catch his breath, not even managing a curse this time. 

“Lance!” he sputtered as the effects of the blasts subsided. “Is something going on? Are you sick, or something? You aren't half as good as usually.” 

“No, no I'm fine. I'm sorry Keith, I didn't notice them. We could change positions if you want to or...” 

“No one is changing anything”, Shiro cut him off. “Lance, you should be able to handle this. _Come on_. You can't afford to space out like that. What if it had been a real battle? You could have died, or Keith.”

Lance's breath caught in his throat.  _Someone could have died. Keith could have died because of me. I could have died. I could have died out here, and it wouldn't matter to anyone but my team. My life could be lost amongst these stars, and my family would never know. They might think I'm dead already. They could have held a funeral. What if they cried over my death, cried because they never got to say goodbye?_

His breathing was getting rougher, his mind spiralling into devastation. 

“Shiro. That's enough. We all make mistakes. Cut him some slack.” To Lance's surprise, it was Keith who had spoken up. He would've have expected Hunk to, if anyone, but he suspected that the latter might have too much respect for Shiro to contradict him. Keith, on the other hand, didn't let Shiro object to his statement. 

“I would think it's best if we all take a pause, recharge for a bit. You can return to the castle, paladins.” Allura declared, and even though she wasn't _technically_ in charge of Voltron, no one objected. 

Lance himself breathed out in relief, but didn't move. He was thankful for the session to be over, but he couldn't quite bear answering the others' questions as to why he was so off his game. Not just yet. So he sat in his lion with closed eyes, allowing himself to breath for a moment. He had to give himself some time to chase away the haunting images of his own premature funeral and grieving family. Just the thought of it was close to setting him off into another panicked thought- 

“Lance?” His comms crackled, causing him to jump. He had thought that all the others had returned to the castle already. 

“Keith?” he asked incredulously. 

“Yeah. Um, sorry, but...are you sure you're all right? I know you're better than this.” There was something about Keith's hesitant tone that set him off. 

“Well, maybe I'm not as good as you thought I was.” It was quite over the comms for quite awhile, and Lance almost thought almost thought he had scared Keith off. But then the other drew in a deep breath that made his comms crackle with static. 

“Look, I... Never mind, I shouldn't have asked. See you back at the castle.” He sounded thoroughly disappointed, and Lance found himself reaching towards his comms. 

“Wait. I'm sorry, it wasn't your fault. Are _you_ okay? You took a lot of hits because of me back there.”

“I'll be fine, just a bit sore tomorrow, I expect. I'm more concerned about you.” He paused, and then continued haltingly. 

“Is it because of... I mean, it's... It is Christmas Eve today, is it not?” Lance blinked, completely taken aback. Why in the world would Keith keep track of that? 

“Yeah”, he breathed softly. “And it's stupid, but I just... I keep seeing my family in front of me and I don't know if I ever...” His breath hitched with a suppressed sob. “If I ever will be able to see them again, y'know? I might die out here, it's even likely I will, and they will never know, and they probably think I'm dead already, and I have no way of telling them and I...”

“Lance”, Keith murmured softly. “It's okay. It's okay to be scared, it's okay to miss them. Don't beat yourself up over it, all right?” 

“But I'm the only one who... I mean, no one else breaks down like this.” 

“Just a week ago I saw Hunk comforting Pidge. She was so worked up over finding her brother, she barely slept. It's not just you, Lance.”

“You don't break down”, he muttered, mostly to maintain something to argue about, to keep his thoughts busy. 

Keith chuckled dryly. 

“That's just because I don't have anyone back on earth. Shiro's my only family, and he's here. But I do miss the desert”, he continued, voice suddenly sounding melancholic.

“I miss the emptiness, the absolute quiet. I could have run for days without ever seeing any signs of civilisation. Sometimes I did. It was only me there. I was completely free. Not dragged down by rules or norms. I didn't have to act like someone I wasn't, because there wasn't anyone there to see me.”

“Sounds lonely”, Lance mumbled. 

“It was. It really was. And sometimes I hated it. All of it. After Shiro disappeared on the Kerberos mission... I would go to the mountains and just scream. I screamed at the sky, demanding it give me him back. I screamed till my throat was raw and I couldn't speak for several days.” He laughed again, only more solemn this time. 

“I wasn't very good at self-care.” 

“No shit.” 

“I do know something, though. If you keep getting angry at yourself for feeling things, you're not good at it either. So just, you know... Know your limits. Take pauses when you need to. Recognise when you're too homesick or whatever to train. Allow yourself to miss them, to be sad or scared. Cut yourself some slack, yeah?” 

“That's rich coming from you”, Lance scoffed. But really, he was actually quite touched by Keith's words. His fellow paladin seemed to have unexpected depths to him. 

“I suppose so. I could use a reminder from time to time, too.” 

“We could remind each other.” Lance blushed when Keith didn't answer right away, and sputtered out an explanation. 

“You know, just, I mean, we all noticed how you suffer if I'm distracted, and I mean, we don't have to, like, commit or, y'know...” he trailed off awkwardly. 

“Lance. Stop talking. I know what you mean. You can calm down. It sounds like a good idea. But right now we should probably head back to the castle before they start to think I'm avenging all those hits on you.” Lance laughed shakily. 

“Yeah, all right. And Keith... Thanks, man.” Lance could sense the shrug through the comms. 

“It's okay. Favour payed, right? You got me out from the Blades.” Lance smiled. 

“Yeah. Favour payed.” 

 

* * *

Later that evening, Lance was still sulking in his room. He had gone straight there after returning his lion to the hangar, and hadn't come out since – not even for dinner. Frankly, he was a bit sad that no one had come to collect him when he didn't show up, which was totally illogical, because he  _wanted_ to be alone. Or at least he had thought so. 

But after a couple of hours he had still not accepted that no one would come. He figured that they might still be upset that he had messed up training. Had they had seemed a bit annoyed as they returned to the castle, or was that just his imagination? The thought of his friends being angry with him stung like venom.

Keith didn't seem annoyed, though. Not at all. He'd sounded... worried, almost. Worried about Lance. Caring about him. Lance wouldn't mind talking to him right about now. He could use it. 

Lance shook his head, grumbling. This was pathetic. Having these... these  _thoughts_ was pathetic. Keith was a team-mate and a friend, nothing more. Certainly not someone he wanted to talk to when he felt lonely. 

But that was exactly what Keith was, wasn't it? Because Keith made him feel safe. Keith could talk to him while being completely honest, and even though Lance had first mistaken it for a need to call everyone out on their faults, he'd come to realise that that wasn't Keith's intention at all. He was just sincere, the very definition of matter-of-factly. And once you got used to it, it was calming. There was never any doubt whether his compliments were genuine, and if he critiqued you on something, it was because the action – whatever it was – could be corrected if noticed. He didn't do it to pick on anyone. 

But Keith, nonetheless, hadn't come to check on him either. Lance supposed they weren't as close friends as he sometimes wished for ( _friends,_ nothing else, he told himself fiercely). 

His stomach desperately called for him to get something to eat, but Lance didn't think he could handle the blow his pride would take if he went to the kitchen now. If he was going to mope, he was going to it whole-heartedly. 

_Of course, the kitchen might be empty. No one would see him then, and it wouldn't matter..._

He was just about to break his self-inflicted house arrest and leave for the food when someone knocked on his door. He was still mildly offended that no one had come earlier when he opened the door, and was surprised to see a broadly smiling Hunk outside. He'd thought that the others would be at least a little bit annoyed. But Hunk only seemed intensely satisfied with something. 

“Hey, man. Do you mind coming with me for a sec?” Lance narrowed his eyes. 

“Where?” 

“Can't tell you nothing man, but there will be food.” Lance raised an eyebrow and tried to look disinterested, but the truth was that he was _starving,_ and it didn't take long before he gave in. 

“Fine. But I don't understand what all the secrecy is about. And I thought you guys had already eaten?” 

“You'll understand soon. Come on, now. We don't wanna be late.” 

“Late for what?!” Lance exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air, but followed nonetheless. 

Hunk led him through the corridors, hurrying him up now and then. He seemed oddly giddy and expectant. Of what, Lance had no clue. 

They stopped right outside the “common room”. Lance could hear chatter and hushed laughs, but Hunk stopped him before he could go in. 

“Okay, wait here. And don't peak!” He slipped through the doors and into the room. Lance sighed, crossing his arms. He had completely lost grip of what was happening. Hunk took his sweet time, and Lance was just about to knock at the doors when they were aggressively struck up. He scrambled back, his fist still in the air. Pidge stood there, grinning mischievously.

“Merry Christmas, scaredy-cat.” He was just about to argue about the insult when he realised what she had said. 

“Christmas?” 

“Yes, you dolt. Keith, your boyfriend is an idiot.”

“He's not my boyfriend!” Someone shouted indignantly from inside. Lance was furrowing his brow with this new fold of events and pushed by Pidge, into the room. He opened his mouth to ask what was going on, but it snapped shut when he saw the interior. The whole room was sparkling. Green and red pillows had been placed on the couches. Lights blinked merrily along the walls. Fluffy carpets covered the otherwise cold and hard floor. A table had been carried into the room and was stacked with what looked like a real Christmas feast. 

And in the middle of it all was an honest-to-god tree. It wasn't a traditional fir tree, but a close alien equivalent. Stacked underneath was a small pile of boxes.

Pidge had retreated from the door and was standing next to the still smiling Hunk. Shiro stood to their right, with Allura and Coran close by. The two alteans couldn't have a clue about earthen traditions, but they looked very enthusiastic. 

And then there was Keith, half-sitting on one of the couches' armrests. He didn't smile, and Lance got the impression that he was scanning Lance for any sign of what he was feeling. 

“Merry Christmas, Lance” he said solemnly, looking him straight in the eyes. 

“How... What... What?” 

“I think we broke Lance”, Pidge grinned. 

“You did this?” he finally asked. Keith was quick to answer. 

“Yeah, all of us. Allura and Coran, too.” 

“I can't believe this. I actually can't. Thank you so much.” He couldn't have stopped the smile from spreading on his features even if he had wanted to. Now, he instead made sure that Keith would really get how happy he was for this. He wanted to repay the honesty. Keith's stiff posture relaxed a little, and he melted into the armrest with a soft smile on the corners of his lips. 

Hunk was quick to guide them through the different foods, and soon they were all stacking plates full. 

 

* * *

 

 

“You didn't have dinner, then?” he asked Shiro an hour or so later, who was sitting next to him on one of the couches. Both of them had apologised in a chorus when Lance's initial shock had passed. There was no hard feelings as they ate now. 

“No, we didn't want to spoil Hunk's feast. And there wasn't time. Keith only just got back with the tree.” He nodded to it, where Pidge was busy using Keith as a ladder, sitting on his shoulders to reach the top of the tree. Coran was handing her baubles from a carton while asking about each one's function and purpose. 

“I know he said you all made this, but...” Lance began. 

“He did most of it. It was is idea, but I suppose you figured that out. He didn't elaborately say why, but we guessed it had something to do with your talk in the lions. He wanted it to be a secret.”

“But how the heck did you have the time? You must've fixed all this in what, six hours? Seven?” 

“Something like that. But he's stubborn. If he sets his mind to something, he will do it. And this time he wanted to make you a Christmas.” Lance couldn't stop the fond smile that played on his lips. He silently thanked Shiro and made his way over to the tree. Hunk was there, too, now. Pidge was set on reaching the top of the tree and was leaning over with all her might. Keith was cursing under his breath and telling her to sit still, goddamnit. 

Lance poked him in the shoulder-blade, nearly causing a collapse as Keith spun around. Pidge narrowly escaped falling into the tree by jumping down to the floor. She grumbled something about unreliable teenagers and stalked over to Hunk instead. Keith blatantly ignored her. 

“Jesus, Lance. You scared the living death out of me.” 

“Sorry”, he said between poorly suppressed laughs. Keith only shook his head, faking disappointment. 

“No, but really, Keith. I wanted to say thank you.”

“We all-” he began, but Lance cut him off. 

“I know. But it was your idea, and you got it all together. Shiro told me.” Keith shot an annoyed look towards Shiro on the right. His brother did nothing but grinned. 

“But yeah. Thank you. It's really nice.” He looked into Keith's eyes. Something uncertain seemed to linger there, as if he wasn't sure of the situation. But it disappeared as he blinked and shrugged. 

“I'm glad you liked it.” There was a pause, which Pidge quickly filled by shouting “presents!” and launching herself in under the tree, nearly pushing it over. 

Shiro and Allura joined them, and soon they were all sat by the tree. 

“I... I don't have any presents”, Lance admitted. “I didn't know, and-” 

“It's cool, Lance. We knew you wouldn't have any. And, we planned it so that each of us only gives a present to our assigned person. And I made two, to replace yours. It's fine, really.” 

“Oh.” He still feels guilty, but none of the others seem to mind, so he doesn't apologise again. 

The presents were exchanged in a flurry. Pidge had assembled a small encyclopaedia of earthen things that might be interesting for Coran. Allura gave Shiro a device that seems similar of an Apple watch, but in altean technology. Hunk got a new storage of spices, and so on. 

While the others were still laughing and comparing their gifts, Keith turned to Lance.  _Of course,_ he thought silently.  _Of course Keith chose to give him a present._ Keith looked nothing like his usual when he pulled out a package to give it to Lance. It didn't look special – a small box wrapped in something that looks like newspaper. 

“I, uh... I know you like beauty products and all that, but I really don't know how to figure out how they work, and I didn't want to buy anything you couldn't use. So, um, I remembered what you said about missing the sea, and I visited a water planet with the blades, and I... I got this for you.” He handed Lance the bundle but didn't lock eyes with him. Instead he stared intensely at a spot near his crossed feet. Lance carefully unwrapped the paper, opened the box and... 

“Oh, my god. _Keith_ ”, he breathed. 

“Is it all right? I couldn't find anything else you might like...” Lance couldn't answer him. In fact, he couldn't tear his eyes from the box. Inside, gleaming in the colours of a sunset – apricot, gold, pink and misty blue and about as big as his hand, was a shell. The kind you can hold to your ears and hear the waves in, and Lance picked it up delicately. As he closed his eyes and listened, the distant sound of swells coming in to wash against the shore tingled his memories. 

He didn't even notice he was crying until Keith raised a gloved hand to wipe the tears away with his thumb. He looked concerned. 

“Is it awful? I didn't know, I thought...” Before he could finish, Lance tackled him with a hug. 

“Thank you. Thank you so much. I love it. It's more than I could ever wish for.”

“Oh”, Keith breathed. He lay an awkward hand on Lance's back, hovering it up and down as Lance couldn't hold in the sobs anymore. He cried silently into Keith's shoulder, only stopping to whisper 'thank you' repeatedly. Keith eventually leaned more into the hug, and soon they were supporting each other, their bodies melding together to fit in the best hug Lance's has had since they came up here in space.

Because he couldn't see anything over Keith's shoulder or through the tears obscuring his view, he didn't notice the knowing look that Pidge and Hunk exchanged. He didn't notice the proud look in Shiro's eyes as he sees how far they've come since their childish rivalry. 

And he didn't need to see it. All he needed was to feel Keith's arms coming up to wrap themselves around him to keep him steady, all he needed is to rest his head in the crook of Keith's neck and listen to him breathing. 

As long as he did that, everything was all right for a moment. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, leave a comment or kudos to make me happy:)  
> (Side note: this is part of a series that will explore Keith and Lance's relatonships. I have never done prompts before, but if anyone has one on that theme, comment it and maaaaybe i'll use it? Let's hope I will)


End file.
